By RODNEY HO/ firstname.lastname@example.org, originally filed Wednesday, June 10, 2015
The plotlines on USA’s “Chrisley Knows Best” are straight out of a sitcom playbook from 1996, with a modern twist.
First up in this week’s double episode bonanza is Chase and Savannah “competing” to see who will end up with a higher ACT score, with the parents “coaching” them. If Savannah wins, she gets to go to college a year early. If Chase wins, he gets a dog. (Huh? Yes. This is what they actually conjured up.) Savannah does win but will she really leave for college a year early and give up this show?
The second week, Chase double books Valentine’s Day lunches. To teach him a lesson, Savannah has Todd take over her friend Lia‘s Twitter account and pretend to hit on Chase. Of course, he decides to meet up with “Lia” and realizes he’s been catfished. In a secondary storyline, Todd’s mom Faye has started an Airbnb, which Todd disapproves of, of course.
Chase is a dummy and/or a lady’s man quotes
“I’m used to pushing a rope uphill.” – Todd, referencing his travails with his son Chase
Todd, watching his son hit on his tutor in front of him: “12 years of private school.”
Faye: “That’s why I’d sue’em.”
“You can have Chase for a Big Mac.” – Todd, saying how easy it is to draw Chase in
Channeling his dad
“I’m a little man but I got big things to do.” – 8-year-old Grayson
Todd’s most countrified quotes
“You’re sucking hind tit right now.” – Todd, expressing disappointment in (who else?) Chase and his studying ethic
‘Take that damn wig off and wipe off your lipstick. You look like a fox’s ass in pokeberry time.” – Todd, telling Savannah to take the Lia disguise off.
Old people are old quotes
Savannah: “Chalkboards are so 90s.”
Savannah: “Nobody uses Facebook.”
Todd: “I do!”
Savannah: “Because you’re old!”
Todd is not that masculine quotes
“You don’t run. You prance.” – Chase to Todd
“He’s twirling the hair. It’s creeping me out!” – Chase, when Todd dons the “Lia” wig
“I have Botox. You can’t tell whether I’m tensed up or not.” – Todd, when Savannah accuses him of cheating.
Todd’s quippiest quip
“My mother has lost her mind. She ain’t opening no bed and breakfast. She needs to go to bed and have breakfast. That’s her bed and breakfast. Not anything else.”
Suburban alcove name dropped
“This is Alpharetta. This is not a destination.” – Todd, complaining that his mom is inviting random folks into her house via Airbnb to make money for her gambling
Todd’s saltier references
“I may be a hater but I’m not a ho.” – Todd
“We’re going catfish, swordfish. We’re going to trap his ass.” – Todd, on Chase
“He’s hot as a virgin in a whorehouse right now.” Todd, on Chase yet again
“If you take on the persona of being a ho, you’ll act like a ho.” – Todd
“You look like one of Heidi Fleiss’ call girls.” – Todd, to Savannah in disguise
“I feel like Cousin It.” – Todd, in the disguise wig